jesus christ

we all got wood and nails,

we turn out hate in factories.

we all got wood and nails,

we sleep inside of this machine.

–brand new

i’m a kite

flying high

on the wings of

fate and chance

hoping

they respect

my right to dance

Rearranging My Life

For the past few weeks I’ve been making a slightly un-smooth transition to my attic, from here on out to be referred to as my room. There was a bunch of useless (in my mind) exercise equipment in what is now my living space, so we had to move that all around, move my bed stuff up here, it was pretty intense. Now though, I’m really liking it. I have all my stuff where I want it, I need to clean up a few things like some recording stuff–random mic cords all around, but I really love the amount of space I have. It’s nice to be away from everyone too, meaning the rest of the house. I can just come up here and chill. I have this massive shelf thing with multiple spaces where I want to put every video game system I own in, then drill holes in the back to have them able to reach the TV. It would be a giant gaming epicenter right in my living space. Nice.

This really is not about just moving my room around. It’s about moving my life around. Or, how my life has moved itself around to its discretion. I’m not saying I don’t approve, but I didn’t cause this, it just happened.

I do not feel like home is home any more. I feel like Penn State is home. I feel like this is somewhere I stay when I’m not at home. I feel like a stranger in my house, a guest in a extended-stay bed and breakfast. The people I’ve met at school have become nothing less than my family and my best friends, and to be away from them is what it used to be like for me to be away from “home”. There’s always something to do up there, not to mention no real curfews, a very strong sense of responsibility. If I’m alone and bored, I go to someones room, cycling through my friends in no particular order until I find a hang-out buddy. I absolutely love my friends at home, here in Delco, but if the few of them are busy, then I’m stuck in my room trying to be productive. This usually turns into listening to music and wishing someone would call or text me.

This isn’t a big depressing thing, but it is a thing. It’s a thing in my life I am very no-sided about. I don’t feel like I shouldn’t feel this way. I love being up at school, and I miss all my friends terribly, so it all makes sense.

It just sucks to feel like a guest in your own house is all. Switching back to high school life when I enter the door is not something I’m comfortable with. I’m twenty years old, and I am not in high school any more. I don’t need someone to tell me to be careful driving if it’s raining, or to not stay up so late. I don’t need half as much parental supervision as I used to, and I mean that. I don’t have anywhere to be that isn’t on me now. If I miss a job interview, or a class, I am completely responsible for that. It’s not my parents responsibility to wake me up in the mornings and make sure I get out the door, and I’m fine with that. I just wish they were. My dad’s pretty chill about it, but my mom treats me like I’m 12. I don’t know if it’s because she doesn’t want me to grow up or because she teaches second graders all day every day. Either way it definitely effects our relationship and causes many a heated argument. I’m trying my best to work on it though, and I only hope that throughout the process, this extended hotel stay can feel a little bit more friendly.